Secrets Shouldn’t Be Kept

I was raised to never keep secrets. That’s because abuse is a secret that should never be kept by anyone. I am not ashamed of my abusers nor myself. I love them all to this day. We probably shouldn’t reunite but I understood it. I hold no ill will towards them.

Having said that my mom did keep secrets from me. She thought that she was protecting me and others from the shame of society or abuse. That is what shaming people is. It is abuse. It doesn’t help them see ‘the error of their ways.’ It makes them vulnerable to further abuse and indoctrination.

Let that last word sink in a bit. Indoctrination is the process of teaching a person or group to accept a set of beliefs, uncritically. Uncritically means without question. Even religious scholars will tell you to question everything. It’s a fundamental part of non cult religious groups.

This can be many things but it can mean that they become traffickers, join a cult, become a terrorist, etc. The longer that one is in the cult, the harder it is to bring them back to reality and ‘normal’ society.

My mom and I were severely shamed for me being born. Love child isn’t just a quaint song about long ago. It is me. I was born in Detroit. I am not a love child but a ‘mistake’ nonetheless. My biological father was a man who I greatly feared and wanted so desperately to stop but he didn’t and couldn’t.

His name was James Earl Phillips. I loved so much about him. When I got the news at 17, I was overjoyed. My knight in shining armor, my father was coming to rescue me from an abusive household. He had an amazing wife and I had my precious baby brother who was 4 years old. I loved them so much.

I was brought to the hospital when my brother was born. I was 13 and showered with love and excitement. They all knew but I was kept in the dark. I suspected but had learned to not tell the secrets of others since I am observant and highly intelligent. People tend to get upset when you say something that is obvious to you but nobody else.

Jim lived across the street from my grandparents. He was a family friend who I visited until my brother was born. My mom was almost 26 when I was born. He had just turned 18. Yup. Momma would’ve committed a crime today.

Jim’s girlfriends were not very bright. They were mostly girls who were for a good time but I saw signs that he was abusing them. One day he was being extremely harsh to a woman. I was a child and kept arguing with him while defending her. She thought that it was cute and tried to play it off but you can’t. It just makes it worse.

I ended up grabbing everything between his legs in my tiny fist and twisted violently while gripping my nails into him. He dropped. Once I saw that he was submissive, I let go.

My mom was called to pick me up from my visit with the ‘family friend.’ She told me to apologize and let me know that men are very sensitive down there. She said certain things with a bit of a wink or a nod to let me know that we’d discuss it later. I apologized as he kept tons of ice down there.

We didn’t have to discuss anything. I understood code. I did good but we needn’t let the wounded party know that. Let him think about what he did. If he messes up again, give him another lesson. My mom named me well. Darcy (drsy) means my lesson in Arabic. Whenever someone calls me, they are requesting their lesson. I oblige.

I was raised in an abusive household with my stepsisters. They visited once with me and refused to return. Children understand when something is wrong. We were taught to tell everyone about sexual abuse. I knew adults and children who were molested. I was taught to fight back hard, obviously.

Our community stood up for us and taught us to fight back at all costs. We had self defense classes; female and male officers giving lectures together at schools; inappropriate touching lectures; whistles and pepper spray were given to women; we were taught how to improvise when attacked but mainly to scream and run. Getting away and talking being of the utmost importance.

I understood that our house was abusive, everyone did but most were. The posh suburbs, the ghetto, rural towns, it doesn’t matter, abuse happens. It needs to be addressed immediately before it gets out of hand.

Jim was the eldest child and highly intelligent. He was so severely abused that he split into different personalities. He could be so wonderful. He took me to Toys R Us for my birthday and told me to pick out anything in the store, absolutely anything at all.

We’d get Little Caesars pizza, Mountain Dew and Better Made Hot Chips for a ‘manly’ competition. I was not about to stuff a whole slice of pizza in my tiny mouth but I was finally able to eat an entire bag of Hot chips with Dew to spare. They are a might spicy but my absolute favorite. Faygo, Vernors, etc as well, naturally. I’m a Detroiter, okay? Enough said.

We’d stuff our faces and watch homemade tapes of Looney Tunes. I’d get to sleep on the couch to the television but would stay awake until it finished. He’d sometimes put another one in before realizing that it would just keep me awake even longer.

He was the first person with a computer and modem. He taught me how to code in DOS and we’d play games or talk to people around the world.

He was so intelligent, like me. We could sometimes speak and nobody else would understand us. It was ‘over their heads.’ It was fun to be challenged. It is something we adored. I still do sometimes but it’s just a way of communicating to certain people. Just like you do in secret as Drake.

I even tried to quell your hurt and get you to stop before you did something more foolish just as I did with Casey. I know that it’s hard in the fog of it all to do what is right. I’ve tried to tell and show you all that this isn’t the end. It’s the beginning. I know because I’ve been there.

I have sat at the bottom of some horrible and dark places with people both willingly and unwillingly. I never regret either. A human being living one more minute, one more day, one more week, one more month, one more year is so precious.

I don’t care about the haters and neither should you. You have the power to break the chains of your abuse and be better. It doesn’t matter where or how you get better, darling. It just matters that you get better.

I will tell you what I have told my precious baby brother since birth. It is what I tell many troubled people who I see hope and potential in. I want you to realize and remember that I do everything in my power to keep this promise because it is so important.

I can’t control everything though so I have to say, Inshallah, God willing. That doesn’t mean that I don’t try with all that I am and all that I have. You have seen just how hard I am fighting for everyone. I even fight for the worst of the worst because they are the most vulnerable, the most in need. You aren’t even close to that, darling. None of you are. You truly aren’t. It’s okay.

I hope that you see and understand that, sweetheart. You aren’t ‘bad’ or ‘evil.’ You may have made a mistake but that’s okay. You face it and get better, do better. No shame in trying to be and do better. No shame at all. Only love, respect and a bit of applause. We can’t be letting anyone get a swelled head. They cause way too many problems in all genders, as you know.

I try my best to uphold this,

If you come to me and tell me the truth, I will do everything in my power to help you through it. If you committed a crime, I will walk with you to the police station to turn yourself in if that would comfort you. No pride needed.

Officers understand. They make mistakes too. They have to try to be and do better like the rest of us humans. It’s a constant struggle, darling. It’s okay though. You have more friends than you realize.

I will be there beside you in person, in heart or in word. I will sit beside you in court and hold your hand. I will give you tons of hugs for being so brave and strong. I will fight for your rights if I ever realize that they have or are being violated.

I will do anything to help you through it. It’s painful but many have traveled the same roads. We humans have done just about anything. I would give an example but then again you’re human so you may have done it. We are a freaky little family here on earth, aren’t we?

I have only ever asked one thing of everyone I meet, tell the truth. I see the lies even before I realize they are lies. You have seen me call out anyone and everyone for their lies even when justified. Most people who know anything about what is happening, won’t talk to me because they know that I will catch them now.

It’s so much more than that though. I can’t help or do anything good or useful if I don’t have the facts, all of them. People have given horrible advice and done horrible things based on lies. Those who followed illegal orders, for example. It doesn’t end well for anyone.

Please talk to someone, anyone. Try to be and do better. It’s hard but I have faith in you. I have noticed the small things that you have done. You are all doing better, darling. Do you feel how that intense pressure is being gradually lifted as the truth is revealed? If there’s nothing that you can do, there’s nothing you can do, right?

I took the decision away from you, me, law enforcement, government, etc and gave it to the world. Humanity is our judge on earth. We answer to the people. I have asked that humanity judge me even when I didn’t know my own actions.

To prove this, when children broke a rule in my house, there was some kind of punishment. They understood. It’s normal. When I broke the cussing rule, which was often, imshi (fuck me), I asked the children to be my judge. I accepted whatever punishment they gave me. I made them defend their ruling as well. I didn’t want to ‘get away’ with anything, including a light sentence.

It is how I teach children truth, justice, honor and equality. I keep my word at all costs so that all see, words matter. My actions speak far louder and only prove my words. That is the honor that I have given myself and try so hard to preserve.

It is the honor of law enforcement officers, service members and leaders throughout the world. It is what we think of when we say ‘Land of the Free. Home of the Brave.’ in America. It is the honor of humanity. It is humanity.

Truth, Justice, Honor and Equality.

They are all within you. You are human. You are powerful. You can change not just yourself but others as well. It is actually the sexiest thing imaginable.

Darling, since we are so far down this and so few bother anymore, I will let you know that I am a freak and a pervert. At least that’s what the ‘proper’ folks might think.

I have been fantasizing about ripping one particular Nebraskan’s clothes off and going at it wherever, whenever. Corn field, vehicle, front lawn, right on Broad Street in broad daylight, etc. It is driving me insane, okay?

Even if this person, who would certainly never do this, agreed to fucking me on Broad Street in broad daylight, I wouldn’t. I know that although there would be nothing wrong with two consensual adults getting freaky, that is most definitely an improper place and time. Nobody wants to see that.

You’ve seen my nasty, old, fat ass going away in an ambulance with puke and shit on me. Just no. Right? Okay. I know that people get freaky but I believe that you’d pass on that. You have better tastes than that, darling. You are also better than that. You don’t deserve that at all.

This particular Nebraskan is a bit of a reformed person. I won’t mention names because it’s a small town and gossip spreads like wildfire. I think that the bad person done good thing has been a topic of enough ‘love’ stories throughout history that I don’t need to name names.

People give themselves away. We can’t help it so there’s no point trying to deny anything. The signs are written all over our bodies, in our words and in our actions.

If you guessed their name privately, I would certainly tell all. I spill my own tea with reckless abandon because I know that I can’t hide my truth. You can’t either. It’s why I am fighting for you, Casey and the others to do the right thing. It’s why I have been fighting law enforcement and government too. We all need to just calm down and do what Spike Lee said (you know you a nigga, son. Don’t play me now.).

Do the right thing, darling. Talk to someone. You’ll start feeling even better. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere as long as I can help it. I’m not going to leave. I’m listening, darling. I love you!

I love Christine and Dave. I love Angie, Jerry, Casey, Bri and more as well. I always have room in my heart, darling. It’s limitless and unconditional. I might not like someone at certain times but I will ALWAYS love them. That’s just who I am. As Jelly Roll says, “I’m just the long haired son of a sinner.” I’m nothing more and nothing less.

I love you!

Your friend,

Darcy