Life is Beautiful, Mashallah!
I’ve got that ‘Big Auntie Energy’ like ‘we are still here’ sings about. I feel every bit of that song except I’m decidedly not Indigenous but people are people the world over. It’s y’all, humans who give me that ‘Big Auntie Energy’ and have made this life amazing.
What happened to me was beyond horrific and devastating but it gave me so much more than it took away. My life was far different on September 13, 2022 when we were taken. Today is a bad day with my illness but it used to be impossible to have this amazing of a day. I’m not purging everything from my body. I’m not screaming from the pain. I’m just taking things slower.
It’s simply a Sunday kind of day today with plenty of meds, (150 whopping mg of delta 8 THC, Benadryl and tons of water. I gained 10 pounds overnight. I detest it but it’s keeping me alive so I can’t complain.)
I’m having fewer days like this now. I still want to be far better than this but it’s amazing that I’m even alive. I’ve always been like this though. I wasn’t supposed to even been born but I learned to walk before crawling. I’m just different.
I can remember my life now. I can remember who I am. I keep saying that I can’t believe that I survived. And I can’t believe that I did everything I did to survive. I remember who I am though. I honestly should’ve done better but I’ve always held myself to a far higher standard than anyone else.
I have had so many kind people talk to me about the trafficking and various other things. They have shown me in their reactions to me exactly who I am. It’s been an honor. It truly has. I’ve been pitied and admired in the same breath. I’ve had people ask if I need a hug in a questioning manner. Like they need the hug more than me. I’ve learned to say,
“I don’t need a hug but I’d love one anyway. Just don’t make it weird. You know who I am. I am the “Evil, Hate Filled Female” Miss Delilah Bon sings about. Don’t bet. Okay? Okay. Love ya, darling.”
I have been called Miss Darcy by so many native Nebraskans that I think that I’m back in Georgia. The breeze reminds me exactly where I am though. It is a blessing in the heat but somehow obnoxious too. It’s a weird-un. It truly is but so am I and life itself quite frankly.
I have also been called Momma by many. I’ve generally been called Auntie so Momma is a change but I really like it. It’s an honor given with love just like Auntie. I dislike honorifics but who could disagree when given with love. Thank you. I truly appreciate it. You already know how I feel about glad handers though. I ain’t even talking about them, neither.
I have also seen some people who were struggling, change their lives around or at least say they have. I wonder about a few but Mommas generally have at least one shaytani. We still love them but dang child. You’re breaking your Momma’s heart. Ya know. Do better. Okay? Okay. I’m watching you. Don’t you dare. Don’t you even daring. Uh, huh. We’ll see. Eye roll included.
I’ve seen people of all kinds be kinder, gentler, more careful, more understanding and more respectful to all. I’d blame it on the Georgian twang but it ain’t that, honey child. It happens even when I talk plain Midwestern. I’ve been told that I tend to calm the worst of rooms.
When I’ve been scared, Miss Amanda laughs, “Just be your quirky, Southern Muslim self. You’ll be fine.” I’m still alive but dang people. It’s been interesting. Really interesting. For us all quite frankly.
It’s been a rollercoaster ride that ain’t even close to coming to an end. Hamdulillah. Always thank God for everything. He gives us the lows so that we appreciate the highs so much more. He has blessed me with the best life. I have had so many incredibly horrific lows but I have had the highest highs because of them. Mashallah. God preserve it.
I sit in the sun when I was once in excruciating pain and suffering from a dimmed light. Okay. I am the ghostly pale, glow in the dark kind of white. I have never been sun friendly. I envy the melanated like nobody’s business. Yeah, being White can be a double edged sword. Well, so is being a White, Muslim American, Neurodivergent, Disabled, Queer Trafficking Survivor who has to take cannabis to live in Nebraska of all places. Yup. But that’s just life. Ain’t it amazing! Mashallah, y’all!
Thank you kindly for helping me have the most amazing life. Y’all are the bees knees. You truly are. Always remember that YOU are the most important person in this world. You remember what ‘Momma’ always says,
Every life matters, especially yours.
God bless the world and especially Her people.
